Valentine's day massacre.

So, my previous thoughts of valentine's day jumped out the motherfucking window.

and you ask why?

For once again my worthless father, has become even more worthless.

Lmao i guess since theres so much love in the air, its a great basis to tell your son(me) that he has a brother. I cannot believe this motherfucker.

I've lived a life as a lie?

Had a brother who's older then me.

Lived down the street from me my whole life?

All the days i asked why am i a only child, can i have a bro or sis, i actually did?

Or how i was told to "tell everything, i'll never hide a thing, i love you son."

Fucking hypocrite.

Its a fucking wrap.

I have no feelings for this "brother" of mine, for i went 19 years told an only child.

The mentality of an only child.

The life of a only child.

I do me.

Did me.

And done me my whole fucking life.

Came out fucking great. 

So for this nigga to txt me.

"hey i'm andre, and i'm your brother"

Felt surreal.

lol my life like a fucking movie i swear.

But hey.

Its valentine's day.

Spread the motherfucking love.

reformation.

Well....i lost the battle with myself.

but i left it all on the table.

i've always aspired to do such with and acclaim myself to a new goal.

it has been postponed.

i did not do my best last semester and therefor suffer the consequences now

i tried extremely hard to bite my pride, somewhat lower myself, and open to others and i finally did. and all was going well. until i was .01 away for being able to do such.

i tried to hide it. but when i was called upon at the meeting.

the first question asked was. what's your GPA.

i swear. everything went black. and this bright ass light was shone upon me. 

i was stuck.

i knew it wasn't to the standards. but i had a epiphany and proceeded to blackout and spit the truth. 

i knew i couldnt, but i made myself go as a "self punishment"

to see what i can become, and who my comp is.

and he asked me a bunch of questions portraying myself:

"why are you here"

"what can you bring"

"why do we need you"

"what is your greatest and worst weakness"

upon other self evaluating questions that most i answered but some i could not,

for i never asked myself these things...or at least to portray to others.

and in turn. i told him. he knew i knew that it wasn't possible.

i had planned on lying cause i was called out in front of 40+

and that this is something i want. i knew that being there, my face was seen and if i was able to throw my flag of self shame in front of nobodys and i still feel better with myself knowing i keep my word as a man and tell the truth no matter, i know i can and will be better then you all when i cross.

he was more shocked that i told the truth.

i had new found respect from this man and these brothers i wish to call my own.

even though i took this defeat, i came out the winner.

Oh well. there is always next year.

But anywho,

the real reason I'm here. i've finally dedicated myself.

school is FIRST!

i know i said that before but now its meant cause after what happened above.

i've disappointed myself on a whole new level.

but its what i needed. i've gotten back on track.

cut drinking' never smoked alot before, but its pretty much gone now.

no girls unless they come my way, or they are some that i can "entertain" myself to.

i mean i am a guy, and this ain't jail.

After about a week or such of seclusion and some prayer and meditation, I'm a more calmer person.

still sarcastic(sorry you carl thomas emotional ass niggas)

but i find myself listening to more neo-jazz, and surprisingly instrumentals.

they allow me to wander more, catch a tune with myself.

i've scheduled myself to be busy with school on fridays and saturdays(R.A duties etc.)

so social is there but with a academic purpose.

While i was unpacking some mementos and posters to spice up my wack ass room, 

i saw all the cards my family and friends gave me and my pictures.

they want me to succeed more then me.

if i cant do it for myself.

at least for the FEW people who invest in me.

they deserve this. 

Sneakerhead anonymous.

Hi, my name is chris, and im addicted to sneakers.

-Hello chris(chorus)

Well, first and for most.

i just spent 700 on sneakers in about 1 week and some change.

-gasp.

Yea, i know just got back to school too

i had about 300 beans to start for books.

then told the fam the usual "expensive book" tale.

flipped that to about 300 more.

then i got my other check from my second job for 200.

i only got one book so far. got the other two for free.

-so chris, what did you buy???

Ummm, some SB dunks, 

and my holy sweet 12.8 once baby jesus w/ mary and joseph 

and the three wisemen bearing gift in the manger of grails.

but i have started my in-school business selling clothes and shoes.

-oh, well was it worth it?

Yes. cause my mom is coming down saturday with home-cooked food, 

MORE money and....

-and what?

...Brownies...mmmmmm*goes into convulsions* 

-OMG get him water!!!!

:|

19 years later....its over.

well...i'm a self proclaimed bastard.

after a horrific email i received....

i've cut all ties from my father.

i have lost my love for this man.

yet i still love him.

but after 19 years, and many years of speculation.

the truth is set in stone....well a email.

i wanted to cry. but all i could do is laugh.

for my raw emotion and gut feeling took over.

i knew it all along, he wasnt shit.

my mother, whom i love so much that i feel this tattoo isn't big enough.

for 19 whole years, 

she lowered herself to raise this man

and tried to hide from me.

and she would've, and this would still be speculation

if this nigga wasnt dumb enough to forward me the message she poured to him.

but jan, 14 is the day. where my love for him lays.

Today,

I finally realized your not shit.

R.I.P dad.

Round two.

yea......

just got back to school

got my comp and shiddd setup

currently unpacking all my shoes.

lmao almost had to take two cars to get the shoes here.

sad....

anyways.

got registered mad early....saw some new jawns...

should be fun.

second time around.

Change.

Yea i believe its time for such.

I got my eye on some i talk to, for i can actually talk to them.

I know... surprising right?!?

More then just the same lines people use as a barrier of trust to see if your "fuckable"

lol i cant even fathom the last time i had someone for my own.

Yea...i talk to numerous females.

Yea...some of you think i cheat even though your not committed until its on your finger and in writing.

But even with such, people still do it.

In college, 4 years to act out and the rest of it to find and settle down with someone.

Hey. maybe i need a lil taste test,

always nice to have that one, even if i were bad.

I'll let karma play that day.

But at the end of my lonely night. i'm just living my life.

...maybe its time i wonder what living for someone else is like...

*sigh*

BUT THESE GIRLS AINT GIVING SHIT TO LOOK FOR!

HA!

new year fool.

def. went out unlike i thought.

it was mad fun.

i was DD.

No drinking for me(well a lil')

but it was allllll good.

i've come to realize that my white girl game has completely fallen off.

with all the techno music, beer pong, and PDA.

i was distracted beyond belief.

oh well i got my girl one call away.

but yea.

slackin' on that white girl mackin'

anywho.

Happy new year :)