Valentine's day massacre.

So, my previous thoughts of valentine's day jumped out the motherfucking window.

and you ask why?

For once again my worthless father, has become even more worthless.

Lmao i guess since theres so much love in the air, its a great basis to tell your son(me) that he has a brother. I cannot believe this motherfucker.

I've lived a life as a lie?

Had a brother who's older then me.

Lived down the street from me my whole life?

All the days i asked why am i a only child, can i have a bro or sis, i actually did?

Or how i was told to "tell everything, i'll never hide a thing, i love you son."

Fucking hypocrite.

Its a fucking wrap.

I have no feelings for this "brother" of mine, for i went 19 years told an only child.

The mentality of an only child.

The life of a only child.

I do me.

Did me.

And done me my whole fucking life.

Came out fucking great. 

So for this nigga to txt me.

"hey i'm andre, and i'm your brother"

Felt surreal.

lol my life like a fucking movie i swear.

But hey.

Its valentine's day.

Spread the motherfucking love.

reformation.

Well....i lost the battle with myself.

but i left it all on the table.

i've always aspired to do such with and acclaim myself to a new goal.

it has been postponed.

i did not do my best last semester and therefor suffer the consequences now

i tried extremely hard to bite my pride, somewhat lower myself, and open to others and i finally did. and all was going well. until i was .01 away for being able to do such.

i tried to hide it. but when i was called upon at the meeting.

the first question asked was. what's your GPA.

i swear. everything went black. and this bright ass light was shone upon me. 

i was stuck.

i knew it wasn't to the standards. but i had a epiphany and proceeded to blackout and spit the truth. 

i knew i couldnt, but i made myself go as a "self punishment"

to see what i can become, and who my comp is.

and he asked me a bunch of questions portraying myself:

"why are you here"

"what can you bring"

"why do we need you"

"what is your greatest and worst weakness"

upon other self evaluating questions that most i answered but some i could not,

for i never asked myself these things...or at least to portray to others.

and in turn. i told him. he knew i knew that it wasn't possible.

i had planned on lying cause i was called out in front of 40+

and that this is something i want. i knew that being there, my face was seen and if i was able to throw my flag of self shame in front of nobodys and i still feel better with myself knowing i keep my word as a man and tell the truth no matter, i know i can and will be better then you all when i cross.

he was more shocked that i told the truth.

i had new found respect from this man and these brothers i wish to call my own.

even though i took this defeat, i came out the winner.

Oh well. there is always next year.

But anywho,

the real reason I'm here. i've finally dedicated myself.

school is FIRST!

i know i said that before but now its meant cause after what happened above.

i've disappointed myself on a whole new level.

but its what i needed. i've gotten back on track.

cut drinking' never smoked alot before, but its pretty much gone now.

no girls unless they come my way, or they are some that i can "entertain" myself to.

i mean i am a guy, and this ain't jail.

After about a week or such of seclusion and some prayer and meditation, I'm a more calmer person.

still sarcastic(sorry you carl thomas emotional ass niggas)

but i find myself listening to more neo-jazz, and surprisingly instrumentals.

they allow me to wander more, catch a tune with myself.

i've scheduled myself to be busy with school on fridays and saturdays(R.A duties etc.)

so social is there but with a academic purpose.

While i was unpacking some mementos and posters to spice up my wack ass room, 

i saw all the cards my family and friends gave me and my pictures.

they want me to succeed more then me.

if i cant do it for myself.

at least for the FEW people who invest in me.

they deserve this.