reformation.

Well....i lost the battle with myself.

but i left it all on the table.

i've always aspired to do such with and acclaim myself to a new goal.

it has been postponed.

i did not do my best last semester and therefor suffer the consequences now

i tried extremely hard to bite my pride, somewhat lower myself, and open to others and i finally did. and all was going well. until i was .01 away for being able to do such.

i tried to hide it. but when i was called upon at the meeting.

the first question asked was. what's your GPA.

i swear. everything went black. and this bright ass light was shone upon me. 

i was stuck.

i knew it wasn't to the standards. but i had a epiphany and proceeded to blackout and spit the truth. 

i knew i couldnt, but i made myself go as a "self punishment"

to see what i can become, and who my comp is.

and he asked me a bunch of questions portraying myself:

"why are you here"

"what can you bring"

"why do we need you"

"what is your greatest and worst weakness"

upon other self evaluating questions that most i answered but some i could not,

for i never asked myself these things...or at least to portray to others.

and in turn. i told him. he knew i knew that it wasn't possible.

i had planned on lying cause i was called out in front of 40+

and that this is something i want. i knew that being there, my face was seen and if i was able to throw my flag of self shame in front of nobodys and i still feel better with myself knowing i keep my word as a man and tell the truth no matter, i know i can and will be better then you all when i cross.

he was more shocked that i told the truth.

i had new found respect from this man and these brothers i wish to call my own.

even though i took this defeat, i came out the winner.

Oh well. there is always next year.

But anywho,

the real reason I'm here. i've finally dedicated myself.

school is FIRST!

i know i said that before but now its meant cause after what happened above.

i've disappointed myself on a whole new level.

but its what i needed. i've gotten back on track.

cut drinking' never smoked alot before, but its pretty much gone now.

no girls unless they come my way, or they are some that i can "entertain" myself to.

i mean i am a guy, and this ain't jail.

After about a week or such of seclusion and some prayer and meditation, I'm a more calmer person.

still sarcastic(sorry you carl thomas emotional ass niggas)

but i find myself listening to more neo-jazz, and surprisingly instrumentals.

they allow me to wander more, catch a tune with myself.

i've scheduled myself to be busy with school on fridays and saturdays(R.A duties etc.)

so social is there but with a academic purpose.

While i was unpacking some mementos and posters to spice up my wack ass room, 

i saw all the cards my family and friends gave me and my pictures.

they want me to succeed more then me.

if i cant do it for myself.

at least for the FEW people who invest in me.

they deserve this.